remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
