Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
