On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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