3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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