there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
