i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
