Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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