dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
