I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
