I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
