I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
