some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can't turn off my feet"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
