Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
