Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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