i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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