It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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