The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
