last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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