I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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