you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
