Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
