my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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