I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
