I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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