Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
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I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
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Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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