im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
