I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
