I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
