He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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