My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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