if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
