you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
