i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
as a side note pls kill me
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
