Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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