her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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