I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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