Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
