i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
