This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
