Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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