And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
