Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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