party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
