new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We are two peas in an std pod
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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