I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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