Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
His nipple licking is glorious
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