just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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