I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
