Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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