I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
