mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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