I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
