Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
