The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
