Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Vodka?
Forever.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
