So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
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It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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